Waiting Until Marriage: Celibacy When You Start Dating

Yes, you can date and still wait until marriage

Waiting until marriage while dating works best when you settle your boundaries before you meet anyone, say so early, and choose someone who shares or respects your conviction. Many Christians believe sex belongs within marriage; some read it differently. Whatever your view, talking about it in the first few conversations saves heartache for you both.

Singleness is the default for many adults now. We spend longer living at home, paying off student debt and working our way up from low-paid "getting on the ladder" jobs. We go through life surrounded by single friends.

So where does that leave those who choose celibacy? It was easy for our grandparents, who went from school to a local dance to marriage before they turned 21, or so the story goes. What about those who choose a longer season of waiting within a committed relationship?

Celebrate your choice, then celebrate it together

Dating like-minded Christians is a positive first step when you face the challenge of celibacy. On a Christian dating site you can look for someone who understands that a commitment to wait is a gift rather than a problem. Faith can be part of the conversation from the start, and intimacy is no exception.

But what if you find a partner who seems to be going along with it only because it makes you happy? The key is to make sure you can celebrate your choice yourself, so you can grow into a deeper Christian love together.

Let your conviction give energy to your choice. Be joyful in it. Let it become one of your best qualities. Don't raise doubts all the time; show your partner it can be a settled choice that makes you happy.

If you stay true to saving yourself for marriage and rejoice in that choice, your partner may come to share it. If they cannot, that is worth knowing early, and kindly. Two people who agree on this can build the deepest invisible bond.

When to bring it up, and how

Sooner than feels comfortable. You don't need to open with it, but by the second or third date, or a week or two into messaging, it should be on the table. Someone who shares your values will be relieved.

Keep it simple and warm: "My faith matters a lot to me, and I'm saving sex for marriage. I'd love to know where you stand." Then listen. Our tips for a first Christian date help with the rest of the conversation, and if you are still wondering whether dating fits your faith at all, start with can I date and be true to my faith.

If you have not waited, you are just as welcome

Plenty of Christians came to faith later, came back to it, or simply did not wait. That does not make you second best. Many choose to wait from now on, as a fresh start. 1 John 1:9 promises forgiveness to everyone who confesses, and that promise has no small print.

If your story includes a marriage that ended, our guide to Christian dating after divorce is written for you, and our reflection on 1 Corinthians 13 and true love is a good reminder of what love looks like. More advice is on our guides for Christian singles.